Don't Wanna Die Yet, But There's Nothing to Live for Either

A journal about void

Lately, I have found myself having a hard time getting up on my bed for the very reason of having no sense of purpose for getting up or what we called the lack of having an Ikigai in your life. It is so horrible that I feel like I have no soul—I feel no emotions, I feel so empty, and there's nothing that I want to do to fill up this void since I am not a fan of vices no more. I have tried watching a gut-wrenching documentary about human lives where famine, and violence can be seen. To be honest, it is so horrible to watch, and my eyes are just bawling the whole time that I have decided to not finish it no more but for a moment, I finally feel so human again.

When I was in the rock bottom part of my life, I long to not have no feelings at all but now that I have it, it is liberating but at the same time, I feel like a prisoner of nothingness. Nowhere to go, nothing to worry about, I am in the absolute phase of emptiness. I am so lost because I am free, indeed. Been wondering why but looking to my past actions I now understand the reason behind all of this. I have solved the root causes of my problems, cut-off connections here and there, made that decision to constantly choose to protect my peace at all costs where it's about choosing not to feel bothered and worried about unnecessary and irrelevant things and people in my life, disregarding the kind of demands of society for me, as well as the norms. It got me thinking: so, what now? is it emptiness or peace? Is it an ego death or resurrection of my authentic self that has been suppressed? To conclude, I am the void itself. Either way, I don't wanna die yet, but there's nothing to live for either.